Do You Know How Hard It Is To Hate Someone When They Don't Care About You?

This morning I called the gynecologist to make an appointment for an annual checkup. I've been visiting the same multi-doctor practice for 10 years or more, and while the medical care has been mildly satisfactory, the customer service has always been poor. Phone wait times are never less than 5 minutes to make an appointment, appointment delays for non-emergency (but recommended) visits are at least 3 months, invoices dribble in over 12 months, etc. I put up with it because in the normal course of a year, I see them once, and honestly, no one ever raves about their great gynecologist.

I called and listened to the computer tell me about the phone options. Two minutes later, I learned that #1 is for appointments. A clerk asked me to hold, without giving me a chance to refuse. Five minutes later, my call was terminated. I called back, and when a person came on the line to tell me to hold, I said, "No, I don't want to hold. My call was just terminated after a lengthy hold, so I'd like to make my appointment now."

"Sorry, there are 3 people ahead of you, so I'm going to put you on hold." Yes, there are now people ahead of me because your system terminated my call the first time. I waited another while, before a clerk picked up. "Annapolis OB/Gyn, how can I help you? " Well, I punched #1 to make an appointment, so I'd like to make an appointment, hmm-k?

But in reality I said, "Hi, I need to make an appointment for an annual checkup." Gave her my name, birthdate, and location. They have several offices in the region, but other than the one in town, they are at least 25 miles away from me. That's a fair field trip on a work day.

"The next available appointment I can offer you is in January, and the schedule isn't open until next week. You'll have to call back then." No apology, no regret, so little pleasant verbal offering to make this more palatable.

"Wait a minute. I just spent 15 minutes on hold and had to call twice, only to be told that you can't schedule 3 months ahead to match your long wait time for an appointment? This is a very difficult and unpleasant process."

Huff and sigh. "Well, that's just the way it is. The schedule hasn't been opened yet."

"Well, I have a job, and it just doesn't work for me to spend 15 minutes on hold while at work, waiting for a doctor's office to grant me an appointment. Is there anyway to make this easier?"

Meanwhile, she's trying to talk over me while I'm speaking to her. I swear, I wasn't screaming, yelling or otherwise being unreasonable, just asking how they can improve their customer service after giving me a bad time. One sentence, one question, that's all I was trying to get out.

"If you'll let me speak, ma'am..." "I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be rude, I'm just telling you this process is not reasonable, and asking you how to make it easier."

"Well, you can use Next MD." Long silence, as I wait for her to elaborate.

"What is Next MD?" "It's our email system. If you give me your email address, I'll give you a token you can use to make an appointment."

"Fine, " I say, and after taking the token number, I finish the call. No more than 2 minutes of unpleasant talk to a clerk-bot who couldn't care less the customer was unhappy.

I spent the next minute yelling at the ceiling while the dog watched me from under a table, then took down the phone book and looked under Physicians- Gyn." I called the practice that is in the same building, different floor (Women's Gyn as opposed to the EVIL EMPIRE: Annapolis Gyn. These people aren't great with names around here), and a person answered the phone. It took me a couple seconds to realize she was human and wasn't going to spit a list of choices at me. I asked for an appointment, she gave me one. Then she apologized that since my medical needs aren't immediate, I have to wait 6 weeks for the appointment. "That's ok, I understand how busy things can get. Have a good morning." "You too, see you in December."

Voila. A dollop of sweetness and courtesy goes a long way. So stick it, Annapolis Ob/Gyn. Look up at your stupid ceiling posters and mobiles, fetch one of your supercilious nurses who could never in 10 years be bothered to tell me my blood pressure without being asked, put your feet in your bloody uncomfortable stirrups, and stick it where the overly bright and hot lamp shines. I got a new girlfriend (to probe me slightly painfully with cold tools).

Two Much Fun

At the new job, I'm running a basic beam mechanics test on an interesting material. Although analysis might be challenging, the tests themselves are very simple: apply load, measure deflection. The hard part is that the maximum load for the medium sized beam is 350 lbs, and 1800 lbs for the large beam. The lab is not really set up for this sort of test, so instead of a testing machine, we are using... free weights. That's 1800 lbs of free weights that need to be repetitively lifted, put on the beam, and removed. That's 1800 lbs of free weights that were purchased in increments of 50 and 100 by the previous testers who skedaddled for greener pastures right after the weights arrived. Let me say here that I have the muscle tone of SpongeBob.

So after much kvetching (polite, professional, and couched in the form of questions), I convinced someone to agree with me that a soft 35 yr old with no muscles isn't the best person to sling large weights around. This other professor found the perfect solution: twin weight lifters. No really, identical twins. Yes, I now have 2 21yr old weightlifters helping me with the tests. They wear uniforms and call me ma'am (and are a little short, a requirement for my standards of attractiveness), and it would be a highlight of my life if not for this:

"Doctor of Philosophy? Does that mean you'll be able to read our minds?"

Oh my little lads, you will be as safe with me as with your own grandmother. (Which they would have been anyway we know, but maybe not in my head. Just want to clarify that for the credulous. And the spouse.)

Wisdom, From Me to You

Love is when you learn to firmly tell someone to F-off, while trying not to hurt their feelings.

Because you love them, but you really need them to F-off.

This wisdom courtesy of a small boy who felt the need to cry after a wonderful evening, because dessert was not on the menu.