One day on the way to school, I asked him why he never wanted to go outside and enjoy the sunshine. "Well, I don't want to spend too much time in the sun, because I don't want my skin to look like yours, Mom." You can imagine the stunned silence that met that. Add in the shaft of piercing pain for hurt feelings (do I not look good?), horror (what kind of racism is this?), self-blame (where have I gone wrong in raising this child?) and extra horror (has he told other brown people he doesn't like their color?) and you just about have the atmosphere.
"Why don't you want to look like me, dear?"
"Because I like Dad's color better."
No amount of rephrasing could get a better answer. There was no nonsensically charming flight of fancy, like "I can see myself at night" or "I prefer milk to ice tea." Just a niggardly* statement that he doesn't like my skin color. I told him that sunshine and fresh air are good for him, and that he'll probably always be somewhere in between my color and his Dad's. But... I didn't address the problem. I'm really not sure how to tackle it, because I'm not even sure exactly what the problem is. I don't want to start some long discussion on race, heredity, all men created equal, blah, blah, only to find out that that he uses the "flesh" color crayon to draw pictures of himself and is worried that he'll have to use "burned sienna" if he tans too much.
So for now, this is just a niggling* issue sitting in the back of my mind. I'm hoping to come up with some sort of approach for the next time this issue arises, if it does.
*Stop sniggering, this is serious.
4 comments:
Lather him up with sunscreen and call it a day?
I have no useful advice, just big virtual hug for my beautiful brown friend.
You know, I thought about telling him that sunscreen would help maintain his complexion, but I don't want to enable his brown-phobia. I do have to make sunscreen a habit for him, but I'd rather it was because of skin health, rather than color.
Indeed. You can point out that Fifi tans so she can be brown-er. :\
He's not the only brown kid in his class at school is he? Is he going through an I just want to be like everyone else phase?
Jaye! Do you really think that your very own son could have any racist ideas with you as a Mom? :)
I would guess that at this age he's not thinking much deeper than "I want to be like Dad (the guy)" or just that he doesn't watch to switch his crayon color like you say. :)
Kids are much more simple than we give them credit for. If he keeps mentioning it, can you just tell him that you don't like it when he says that, and walk away? Maybe it will lead to a bigger discussion, maybe it won't, but at least you will have said your peace.
I'm betting that when he gets to be a teenager he'll be out tanning all the time so that he can get more chicks (at least that is what happened with my Filipino friend's 2 boys... )
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